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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25996870">The Star Spangled Banger (and his Smooth Criminals)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/SweetBunnii/pseuds/SweetBunnii'>SweetBunnii</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Ninja Husbands [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Marvel Cinematic Universe, Naruto, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Asuka is a Good Boi, Civil War Team Iron Man, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, M/M, Mild Steve Rogers Bashing, Natasha Romanov Neutral, Ninja husbands, Not Really Clint Friendly, Not Steve Friendly, Not Steve Rogers Friendly, Other, Sam Wilson Neutral, Scars, Very Detailed Descriptions of Making Nerikiri Wagashi, Very Tony Stark Friendly, asuka has some dark thoughts about steve while making nerikiri wagashi, author is a salty boy, but im actually just referring to steve's dick, did i mention he's a patissier, i got Smooth Criminals from deadpool bc canadian buddies uwu, i tried to make steve more annoying in this one, i was struggling between Captain Winky and Captain Suck, not team Cap friendly, there's also mention of The Last Unicorn and it makes me think of the movie, yes im making steve's dick a character</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 03:07:05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,545</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25996870</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/SweetBunnii/pseuds/SweetBunnii</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Asuka wants Steve to burn in Hell and Kakashi gets spoiled with sweets.</p><p>Or:</p><p>Steve is homophobic again and Asuka wonders if he should shove his spangled dick up his own ass.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hatake Kakashi/Original Male Character(s), Hatake Kakashi/Suzuki Asuka (OMC), Implied Stephen Strange/Tony Stark</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Ninja Husbands [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1886836</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>113</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Star Spangled Banger (and his Smooth Criminals)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>i have a lot of opinions on steve, if you couldn't tell, and i more than enjoy using my characters to take my salt out on him.</p><p>and yes, i am aware that kakashi's canon character doesn't like sweets or sugary things but that fact doesn't work well when my character is a baker and patissier. i just like the idea of asuka spoiling kakashi silly and then forcing him to work out so he doesn't get out of shape.</p><p>i did also search 1000 different ways to call a penis for this and i dont regret anything</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>        Asuka is by no means blind. He knows what goes on at the compound without even needing to be there in person, which means he knows of the advances Rogers has been trying to make at Tony since their last confrontation a little over two weeks ago. Of course, he's also started requesting meetings again, with reasons ranging from <em>when are we getting mandatory team dinners</em> to <em>Major Bell should not be allowed in the compound and we need to discuss it</em> to <em>why isn't Tony building us everything we ask for, he owes us</em>. Their liaison, Mr. Miskinis, has been on his toes ever since. They've been in contact a few times and Asuka can confidently say that it sounds like the poor man is in dire need of a month's vacation and a damn good massage, alongside a healthy dose of no more Rogues. Which is exactly why Asuka's returned to the compound, to give Rogers a little piece of advice (whether that involves threatening him or not remains unknown. It depends on how Rogers reacts to the situation, and honestly, Asuka is not above locking him in that prison Jutsu again.).</p><p>And if Rogers decides to be a homophobic piece of shit again? Well. He might want to say goodbye to The Star Spangled Banger and his Smooth Criminals, and then maybe call an ambulance because they will be so far up his ass a surgeon will have to cut him open to get them out. Asuka will have a joyous time laughing his head off if that happens. Maybe Rogers would be so horrified that he'd end up bleeding to death from the castration, too humiliated to call anyone to get help. Oh, that would be even more hilarious. And, okay, sure, that makes Asuka sound a bit like a psychopath, or maybe a sociopath, but he never claimed to be a <em>good</em> person. He just knows he's better than the Rogues, because they're even lower than real villains. If they weren't worse than villains, he'd almost consider them ones. They'd be better dead either way.</p><p><b>[Dude, you have some seriously weird thoughts.]</b> Kurama sighs, shaking his giant head as he basks in the sun of his Jinchūriki's mindscape.</p><p>He smirks to himself quietly, skillfully wrapping the red bean paste in the blue and white nerikiri dough he'd made moments before. Rogers is going to implode when he returns with the others from their meetingㅡtheir last meeting hadn't gone so well and he'd ended up stuck in that prison until he was steaming out the ears, face red with anger. Asuka can't wait to kick his ass again, because he's going to kick his ass and no one's going to stop him whether they like it or not. With the bean paste completely covered, he marks the center of the ball and divides it into four sections using the sankaku-bo he'd carved himself. Then, he makes three more divets in each section to form the start of sixteen petals. His hands are confident, built on just over three thousand years of being a patissier. The wagashi is beginning to take shape and he switches the sankaku-bo out for a marubo to make the actual petals, also hand crafted. He carefully presses out the first petal, closer to the bottom of the ball, and cradles it with his finger so it doesn't misshape.</p><p>The silence of the compound is somehow soothing; makes it easier to do his art without messing up because of a sudden yell or shout. He wipes his finger off on a sarashi cloth he'd dampened and presses out the next petal, higher up this time. His actions repeat, switching from high to low on every other divet and cradling each one with his finger delicately. Once the petals are finished, Asuka presses a small ball of yellow dough into the chrysanthemum tip of the sankaku-bo and pushes it into the center of the wagashi. It comes out beautifully and he gently transfers it over to the rectangular plate with three other wagashi sitting prettily atop it. The first one he'd made is a purple and blue yin-yang needle cut chrysanthemum wagashi, the second one is a yellow, orange and red gradient maple leaf wagashi, and the third is a sakura blossom wagashi with a slight pink gradient, lighter at the petals than at the base.</p><p>They're all joined by the habutae mochi he'd made at least two hours ago, folded neatly atop each other in a straight row. Asuka sighs contentedly and stretches his arms over his head, ridding himself of the ache that had rolled onto his shoulders with the constant position. He drops his arms back down and looks over his work. He could probably make one more wagashi, there's enough nerikiri dough to do so and he hasn't dyed it yet. Maybe he'll do something a little more simpleㅡthat yin-yang chrysanthemum really took a lot out of him because he'd cut out each individual petal. The elevator doors slide open, clunking quietly, just as he's gathering the rest of the dough to separate it into smaller chunks to dye. Out strolls the liaison, Mr. Miskinis, and Carol, followed by the gang of criminals. Had he really been working for that long?</p><p>"Visiting again, Mr. Suzuki?" Mr. Miskinis asks politely, clutching his files and clipboard in both hands like he wants to hit the Rogues over the head with them. The meeting must've gone awfully, then.</p><p>"Yes," he replies smoothly, momentarily realizing he'd not yet put a shirt on, "I apologize for my unsightly state, it was my intention to dress after finishing up in here."</p><p>They're all staring unabashedly at his torso, like they've never seen battle scars before. He supposes his are a little more unique. The one he'd gained from the kunoichi is set just above his right hip, still tinted a gentle pink even after so long, and it curves around to his back slightly. Excess zig-zagging scars spread out from it like mycelium from the lightning she'd put into the kick, reaching up to his pectorals and stopping below his nipple, and covering half of his abdomen and stomach. His back has a few as well, although not as severe as these ones. They disrupt Kurama's seal a little and make it somewhat rough looking, but it otherwise remains unaffected. Then, there's the three down a line on his left arm, positioned below his ANBU tattoo, from some kunai that an Iwa-nin had embedded into him.</p><p>And the one from Kaguya, crossing over his right shoulder, longer than it is wide, and coming down to his sternum. Thankfully, there were no new ones on his forearms after Naruto had placed storage seals on them, transferring the ink onto his skin from paper. They circle his forearms completely, all the way up to his elbows, and leave almost no bare skin. If anything, they look like odd tattoos, alongside Kurama's seal.</p><p>"How long are you staying for this time?" Carol smiles at him, arms crossed to make her biceps bulge slightly.</p><p>"Two or three days, depending," Asuka says, his own smile gracing his lips elegantly, "if Tony allows me to use his kitchen and do my thing, perhaps four."</p><p>Kakashi's chakra, still fizzling from sleep, snakes into the room and there's a hand suddenly on his right hip, brushing against his scar. Warmth covers his back and he's greeted with a masked peck to his shoulder.</p><p>"Been busy," Kakashi interrupts, not unkindly, referring to the wagashi and mochi he'd been making.</p><p>"Here," Asuka murmurs, picking up the maple leaf with a pair of chopsticks he had set aside and holding it up to his husband's masked mouth.</p><p>"Mmm, you spoil me," Kakashi hums.</p><p>He pulls his mask down, eats the entire wagashi, and pulls his mask back up before anyone can process his actions. The empty chopsticks and his delighted moan are the only indication anything actually happened.</p><p>"Good morning, Mr. Hatake," Mr. Miskinis greets pleasantly, allowing a short smile to crack through his usually blank expression at their blatant display of affection.</p><p>"Yo," he drawls, and flashes him his usual closed-eye smile.</p><p>His other hand comes up to rest on Asuka's other hip and Asuka's crowded by the scent of fresh rain and dewy apples. Rogers' disgusted stare is unfortunately obvious, expression twisted into something sour like he wants to say a word or two about their actions.</p><p>"How was the meeting?" Asuka inquires, acting as though there isn't four uncomfortable eyes on him and his husband.</p><p>"I'm sure you can assume how it went," Mr. Miskinis answers drily, sending the Rogues a pointed stare that isn't noticed.</p><p>"I'm sure I can." Asuka smiles wryly.</p><p>"I'm off, then. I only came up to escort you four and I've got other business to attend to. It was a pleasure seeing you again, Asuka, I do hope we can talk more," the Lithuanian man says, and tucks his clipboard, thick with papers, and files under his arm.</p><p>"Likewise, Ryder. 'Kashi thoroughly enjoys reading our conversations," Asuka responds, amusement dancing in his tone.</p><p>With a faint chuckle, Mr. Miskinis steps back into the elevator and the doors slide closed with that familiar clunk. Carol takes a seat at one of the bar stools, peering over the second level of the island counter to get a look at what Asuka was making. The Rogues scatter, Natasha settling on the love seat, Sam joining her on the recliner, and Clint making a beeline for the pantry (the shinobi recalls him doing this last time he was at the compound, although it was the fridge instead). Rogers, again, stays by the elevator to stare at them. His fists are clenched at his sides, shoulders up to his ears and posture tense with discomfort. His eyes blaze, a blue something akin to Naruto's and Asuka finds that he'd like to rip Rogers' eyeballs out of their sockets, heated with what should be a dangerous fire but appears rather pathetic. Compared to Kaguya, Rogers <em>is</em> pathetic.</p><p>The man grinds his jaw as he strides over to the kitchen, hoping to look intimidating with the way he looms over Asuka, who is much shorter than him. Sam flicks the TV on for some background noise and Carol watches Rogers' actions like a hawk, prepared to step in if need be. She knows the two anomalies can handle themselves, but she isn't a Captain or Team Leader for nothing. She won't sit idly by if Rogers attempts to hurt them. Kakashi grips Asuka's hips tighter, mask covering the way his mouth twists into a frown. The younger of the two doesn't bother hiding his distaste, openly scrunching his nose up at the scent of acidity, traitorous asshole, and the faintest hint of the lavender and hibiscus Febreeze still lingering.<em> It is</em> <em><b>not</b></em> <em>a good mix of smells</em>, Asuka thinks, <em>even a sewer would smell better than him</em>.</p><p>"Can we help you?" Kakashi deadpans, stepping a little closer to his husband and resting his chin atop the oat coloured locks because it makes Rogers that much more uncomfortable.</p><p>"I thought Tony would've gotten rid of the faggots already," Rogers comments sourly and crosses his arms to increase the affect of his <em>I'm disappointed in you</em> face, "he shouldn't be working alongside inverts."</p><p>"As far as I'm concerned, you can't dictate what Tony can or can't do. He's an adult man capable of making his own choices," Asuka says. He tries to ignore the way his heart clenches at the use of the slurs.</p><p>Clint snorts from the pantry, backing out of it with a bag of chips in hand, "Stark is a man-child. He can't make a responsible choice for the life of him."</p><p>"Are you trying to turn Tony into a fag like you two?" Rogers actually has the gall to look horrified at the thought, going paler than a set of white sheets.</p><p>"Tony came out as bisexual <em>years</em> ago, Mr. Rogers." Asuka fixes him with a cold gaze. "Not that it's any of your business."</p><p>And Rogers just looks down at him impatiently, like he's dealing with a child throwing a tantrum. </p><p>"Tony's not like that," he insists, squeezing his folded arms.</p><p>"I'd appreciate it if you didn't refer to him as Tony. He's requested you <em>all</em> call him Dr. Stark, since you are not close to him," Asuka says.</p><p>"We're friends," Rogers scoffs, "I think you should leave now. Tony shouldn't be around inverts. It's disgusting and unnatural. You'll turn him bent."</p><p>"Wouldn't you like that." Asuka squints, shaking his head and lifting the sakura blossom wagashi to Kakashi. The chopsticks shift and release within milliseconds, and he sets them back on the counter.</p><p>"Wh-What?" Rogers stammers disbelievingly, nasty blue eyes widening.</p><p>"Oh, nothing. Anyway, we didn't make him bisexual. And I think you'll find that he's in a homosexual relationship with Dr. Strange. Not so straight now, is he?" The shinobi smiles crookedly, faded blue flashing a dangerous orange.</p><p>Rogers frowns deeply, the epitome of pure disappointment, "like I said, Tony isn't like <em>that</em>. He's not unnatural. He's not bent."</p><p>Anger simmers heavily in Asuka's stomach and his nails dig into the top of his hand, a lazy attempt to stop himself from beheading the idiot. He's not sure many would miss Rogers if he did, but it wouldn't necessarily look good for himself. It might help if he classifies it as self-defense and feeling unsafe in his presence. Killing Rogers would also <em>technically</em> be considered doing the world a favour, because let's be honest, not many seem to like him anymore after Tony revealed the footage and evidence of what he'd done since joining the Avengers and what had happened in Siberia and Bucharest. The people had been disgusted with his actions and had joined Iron Man's side of the fight without complaint, compelling ten more countries to sign the Accords.</p><p>"You know what? People are gay, Rogers. You're just going to have to accept that fact, because it's no longer the 40s. It's not weird to like menㅡwe aren't contagious, we aren't going to contaminate you and turn you gay," Asuka sighs exasperatedly, completely ready to tear this dumbass' dick off and shove it up his prickly ass.</p><p>He'll serve time if he really has to. If anything, he'd just get to brag about tearing Captain Righteous' Star Spangled Banger and his Smooth Criminals off his sweaty body and having the ability to get it so far up his ass that he'd feel it in his esophagus. Maybe he should call his dick Captain Winky... or Captain Suck instead. No. It doesn't sound as good as Star Spangled Banger. Perhaps The Last Unicorn? That's not a bad option, considering unicorns are generally associated with the LGBT community and the idiot would undoubtedly take it as an insult if he knew that. Hm. He'll have to think on it.</p><p>"Oh, and don't think my threat of snapping your neck isn't a false promise. I can and will if you piss me off enough," Asuka reminds, tone icy, "it's either your neck or your own dick up your ass. Better choose when the time comes, young man."</p><p> </p>
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